Category: LGBT Discussion
I'm posting this topic because I think these aspects of identity have some bearing on each other and I wanted to discuss it further. When I was a yung teenager I became aware that all the crushes I had were always on girls and not guys and this has not changed. For a long time I went through the rigmarole of having boyfriends and getting with guys in clubs etc, I guess I thought if I ignored my feelings hard enough they would just go away. Up until a couple of years ago I used to torment myself with the idea that I was a lesbian. Of course my turmoil was based on fear of what others would think which I'm sure is the case for a lot of gay people in the early days of self recognition. However, a lot of my worries were to do with the idea that I must be the only blind gay person in the whole world. I went through mainstream education and subsequently came across very few other blind people. Also, there was the issue of access to information. As a teenager I could not source any literature that would reassure me and put some of my fears and anxiety at rest. Part of this was not having the same level of access to printed material in bookshops and libraries etc. I remember feeling very surprised and happy when I discovered via a library service in the Uk that there is in fact a vast quantity of feminist/lesbian literature out there. I'm not sure how else I would have gained this information. I have been lucky in the sense that the first close friends I came out to were very supportive. My dad also knows that I'm a lesbian and although its never a talking point its never been in issue iether and as I've left home there is even less reason for it to become an issue. For most of my friends here I am the only blind person that they know. So apart from close friends who know me very well I am often met with awkwardness if I come out to a casual friend for example. I think for some sighted people it is difficult enough for them to get their heads round the idea that blind people have a sex life just like everyone else without bringing sexuality in to it. I am one of fairly few lesbians and even fewer blind people in my area and sometimes it can feel like I am going through a double coming out process! they have just got their heads round the idea that I am blind and then I go and drop the lesbian bombshell! even in my own head I some times find it challenging to accommodate this multiple identity, its like a massive overload of difference that I don't know what to do with. I have been blind since birth and I have always been very open and accepting about my disability but I think my sexuality caused some kind of conflict of identity as I always thought that if anything would set me apart in some way it would be my disability. When I came out to someone recently they were asking me all these questions about attraction and how I wasn't judging people on physical appearance. I'm not sure why I should have to vallidate my sexuality to anyone! it is at times like this that I wish that I wasn't so shy and that I was brave enough to challenge any negativity or ignorance that is thrown at me. I'm sorry if this post sounds a little dispondent but I thought it might provide a grounding for further discussion. What do others think about the relationship between disability and sexuality?
Hi,
It's funny you should post this, because I've recently had an experience that confirms that there is indeed a link in some people's minds between a person's disability and his/her sexuality. I've met the "I couldn't date you because you're blind" attitude from guys once or twice, but a couple of weeks ago I met this girl, and the fact that I'm bisexual came up in conversation. First, she asked me if someone lived with me to help with, and I quote, "normal living", and then she asked me how I knew I was bi and if I'd ever, quote, "tried", to have a relationship, romantic or sexual, with anyone... tried, as if any blind person who tries to have any kind of relationship will fail.
When I meet attitudes like this, some of my family and friends tell me I should be a bit understanding because perhaps the person has never met someone who is blind. But that is no excuse. Situations like this could be avoided if people would just use some common sense!
Becky
Agreed becky! there is definitely no excuse for people's blatant ignorance and rudeness. I think some people just assume that all blind people are packed off to some kind of special institution like in the old days and those of us who are fully integrated in to society have to suffer because of it! your experience reminds me a bit of when I was a bit younger. A few times when I was out clubbing a guy would start coming on to me and if I didn't show any interest back there was bound to be some girl or other who would get exasperated with me for not going for it just because he was good looking, as if I was in no position to refuse such an offer. There are always choices and I don't see why they should be limited just because we are blind.
well. i feel the same way.-:
As most of you know, I'm straight. So I can't and won't pretend to know how it feels to be a lesbian. But this is a very interesting topic, so I wanted to share my ideas. As a blind person, I think that we actually have a better chance of finding a partner/s who pleases us because we don't make that automatic judgement on whether the person is so-called good-looking and then miss out on him/her because we're so preoccupied with the visual aspect. I personally think that my lack of sight has made me more outgoing and less shy. I have no problem making the first move or telling a man exactly how I feel. I've never had anyone act surprised when they learn that I'm not a virgin but many have asked me if I've tried to go with younger men, since my boyfriend is 39 years older than I. To answer that, yes, I have. gone with men in their 20's and up. No one has ever mentioned my blindness in relation to these discussions but I've often thought that maybe they assume that he's just with me because he feels sorry for me (definitely not true) or that I'm with him either because he has money (which he doesn't) or that I just can't find anyone else since I'm blind. Of course, the last one is also untrue, but I can't deny that not being able to see does change my approach on how I find and attract men. I can't just go somewhere and start flirting or even get to know someone first, which is my style, and then use my body language to show him that I'm interested or read his to see if he's giving me signals. All of the men whom I've been with, except one, I've met online through dating sites and I found my boyfriend on Craigslist. In retrospect, I think I'm far more informed than many sighted people when I choose sexual partners because I always get to know them before doing anything and since I meet them online and then talk on the phone, that means that we're on an even playing field. He can't see me and I can't see him. So it really is about personality, interests and so on until we meet, though I'll admit that I'm drawn to certain voices more than others. I've never had a potential partner feel uncomfortable when he learned that I was blind. The most I've gotten was basic questions about how I do things. But I've had people try to tell me that I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to my boyfriend because I can't see, that I'd never choose him if I could (they've never seen him) and so on. They're probably right, but then I would've have had three wonderful years with an incredibly loving, giving, caring and yes, sexy man. What's more, I think I know what I like in a partner, sexually and otherwise, and find it annoying that some people have the balls to tell me that I don't know what I'm doing because of my blindness.
Completely agreed on those last few points, Eleni. Although I will say, there are superficial blind people just as there are sighted ones. I've known totally blind people who judge on the basis of race, weight, physical features that have been described to them, etc. I know what you mean, though, about not being able to read and use body language. I find that this is an obstacle for me as well.
Thanks for accepting my post. I felt a bit like I was intruding and am glad that I'm not. I judge on weight, and especially on race, as well, but not in regular friendships. I wouldn't say those are superficial judgements so much as personal preferences.
Yeah me too. I agree with you.
Yeah, I guess I should have clarified. Having personal preferences is fine. I can't really identify with that myself, as my preferences are very open. But judging a person on the basis of weight in regular friendships and belittling people who are overweight or underweight, or judging someone on the basis of race, in regular friendships or otherwise, because you hate people who belong to the particular race...that I have a problem with. And I've known several blind people to do it.
I agree with all the points you made there. It brings to mind a conversation I had with a friend a while ago, this sighted friend was emphasising that for sighted people it is very difficult to avoid judging on physical appearance. She said that even if someone turned out to be a really nice person there are times when it is just really difficult to get past the physical appearance as an opinion of that person had already started to be formed on the basis of that aspect. She said it was more of a subconscious thing rather than anything malicious or nasty. I knew of a blind guy who was dating a sighted girl and things were going really well etc. Then one time when he was down the pub his brother started going on about the fact that he didn't think this girl was much to look at etc. Instead of just ignoring these comments this guy subsequently dumped this girl on these grounds because he didn't want to lose any dignity and didn't want people to think that because he was blind that this was the best that he could do. Needless to say, I do not have a scrap of sympathy for this guy, I would never judge a person on information via a sighted person about looks and appearance, I trust my own instincts too much for that.
Wow! What an idiot! Even if his brother was right, who the hell cares? I mean, if the man liked her and things were going well there shouldn't be a problem. i guess he didn't really like her after all. I hope she found someone to love and care for her like she deserved.
Back to the topic. Yes I can understand how it can be difficult being Lesbian and blind, because you have double issues to deal with if you live in an area that has few, or no one like yourself. I strongly believe in relaxing and going on about your life as you must. You will stress more over peoples opinions and it only hurts you. You'll feel better if you take the stance you are a worthy person, and they simply do not know you, nor your heart, so can not make a judgement. I know it's a pain, but make it less hurtful to yourself by explaining that you are just a person that has your life to live, and that how you feel is no different from how they feel about themselves. If you must get down to it find something you know is not exactly social and use it as your example, such as a lady or man that has a odd voice. Maybe heavy, or really thin. Yes this is tit for tat, but you can use it to explain they feel good about themselves, and you do too. Smile. You are special, and no one is like you, so enjoy that.
Thanks so much for that! some times its just nice to be reminded! if ever I'm struggling I will revisit this post. *smile*
I think that it should have nothing to do with each other. I am a visually impairred bi sexual and honestly, i hate having to hide.
I know the feeling of intersectionality. I came out when I was 17 and took another woman to my high school prom! I was brave and then repressed that bravery bc I didn’t have a strong enough support system and I was just young and not as care free as I am now! It has been easier now that I have completed my undergrad work and can now publically be out and be an advocate to those who are LGBTQA and those of us who are blind and visually impaired! I don’t hide anymore especially bc so many people who are out still suffer.
Good for you! That is so incredibly cool that you took another woman to the prom too! Btw, National Coming Out day is two days away, maybe one, since it's after 12 AM here. *smile*
Yes that is very cool! and thanks for being so honest! I get so exasperated with myself some times for not being as confident and comfortable with my sexuality as I know I should be! I was out with a group of friends recently and they were trying to persuade me to join the local pride here, I think they were quite shocked when I said I was too scared, within the group I am open and comfortable with my sexuality. On the other hand when I said that I would go along if one of them came with me they were very quick to decline! one of them said that I was silly to even let the factor that I am blind play a part in the way that I feel about it, and to an extent I agree with him but I think it is something that needs addressing rather than ignoring. But I'm definitely getting there! I know longer pretend to fancy the pants off Johny dep just to feel like I fit in, so that's got to be a good start! *smile*
Definitely a good start. Don't let anyone pressurise you either way. When and if you're ready, you'll join and become more active. But there's nothing wrong with just being an average person who happens to be homosexual and doesn't do anything special. And that's very hypocritical of them to expect you to go when none of them were willing to stand by your side.
As a bi sexual it is just good to know that there others dealing with the same kind of things
I wish I was braver myself at times when it comes to being bisexual. I had someone tell me once that they thought I was into girls once because I couldn't see what guys looked like and I'm thinking WTF? Of course at the time I was identifying as a lesbian. Ok done with rambling for now.
Don't you love it when people who know nothing about a certain situation try to tell you about your own sexuality? lol. Someone told me once that I wasn't bi because I'd never physically been with a woman. At that time, I'd never been with a man either. Did that make me asexual? Haha.
lol So I guess that all the virgins out there aren't what they claim to be either. Some people say the stupidest things.
It seems that society's ideas about blindness and sexuality swing to either end of the spectrum. Some people seem to think that just because we're blind, we're asexual, know nothing about relationships, and so on. Then you have people who think that because we're blind, we're super lovers. They think that because we must be so sensitive to touch that sex is this whole different experience for us. Yes, we might miss out on the visual of a strip tease or something, but there are other ways. And, I think, like anything else, we're a cross section of society. Each person has their own level of sexual drive, just as some blind folks are probably great in bed, and others are not.
A few years ago, I went through a...I guess you'd call it a bi-curious phase? Not sure. Always knew I was attracted to guys, but there for awhile, thought I was attracted to girls, too. Experimented with it, found out that I wasn't, but I don't regret the experience. Still, I went to some online sites, just to try and get to know others who might be curious like I was then. (And no, the person I experimented with was another curious friend, not one I met off the Net.) Anyway, I found that the people who identified themselves as lesbians, or as curious, were more excepting when I dropped the blindness bombshell than anyone on the straight dating sites. I'm not saying all GLBT people are tolerant, or that all straight people are not. Just something I noticed.